Hello there. My name is Your Highness. But you can call me 47drift. I invite you now to take a look at a troubling issue in today’s society. I present to you, “The Problem With Popsicle Sticks.”

I’ve found myself at many a time, especially on a hot day, reaching into the refrigerator and pulling out an ice cold Popsicle to feast upon. “Oh boy!” I think to myself. “Now this day won’t be so hot and I can enjoy a nice, juicy, fruit flavored ice cold treat!”

But little do you know, with great taste comes ultimate downfall.

You see, as convenient and delicious as Popsicles are, there are thin, wooden disasters within the Popsicle just waiting to ruin your day.

Popsicle sticks.

These little wooden sticks are a Painsicle just to look at. For one, they get all sticky when you first start to enjoy them. The ice starts to melt and drip down to your hands into one big messy Puddlesicle. It’s truly a bother, especially if you make the mistake of opening the darned package at the wrong end. But, my dear reader, it’s not the Popsicle stick during eating that’s the Problemsicle. It’s the stick once you’re finished. To put it bluntly, there are words written on the Popsicle stick. Words that are meant to be pun filled jokes. Jokes that are meant to be funny. But, oh no, these jokes aren’t funny. They’re absolute pun-ishment.

“Why did the man feel exhausted after taking a shower? Because he was all washed up!”

Seriously. This is what I have to deal with every time I enjoy one of these icy treats. I honestly just made that one up though. But I bet you if a Popsicle employee were to find this article, he would totally steal it. I’m watching you, Mr. Popsicle Internet Browser.

But seriously, have they had the same guy writing the jokes since 1924? How old is that guy anyway? I guess you could call him more of a Great Great Grand Popsicle. I think.

I swear, ever since I was a kid popping sicles into my mouth on the front porch, I have never once laughed at a joke on the stick. They have such a bad sense of humor and a wide use of terrible puns that it’s completely impopsicle to laugh.

And that brings me to my next point. Who on earth came up with that atrociousicle commercial? If It’s Popsicle, It’s Possible? That doesn’t even rhyme! If I were in charge, it’d be more like “If It’s Popsicle, It’s Punsicle!” Why? Because that’s all the company would be giving me. And it makes me sicksicle to the headsicle.

My solution for all of this? Get a new writer, Popsicle. Get rid of the current guy. All he’s doing is ruining your business with these terrible puns and not-rhymes. You need a real writer. One who’s funny, clever, and appropriate. And I think I’m the guy for the job.

Testicle.